Moving past Tommy
by Swa-Sa Masou
Summary: What if it was feelings about Tommy that prompted DJ to not want to marry Matt in Japan instead of feelings about Steve? No Steve bashing, just trying to give Matt a solid chance. One-shot.


**_A/N: Still fully team DJ and Steve, but Matt was a really good guy and didn't deserve what happened. So this is my take on how they could have worked it out. I also feel like we never see DJ work on grief or closure with being a widow._**

 _"And my hair is a mess and I think that we maybe have to talk."_

 _"Talk? You're not changing your mind, are you?"_

DJ looked at Matt, searching for the words to make this situation right. She just had so much going through her mind right now. Clearly, he had been joking. But was she?

"Matt, I really think we should talk, not in front of a crowd of people." DJ gestured to those in the seats around them. Those whose loved ones had just not gotten married and a large part of it was DJ's fault.

Not really, though, she thought. Steve made his own choices here, my being a reason doesn't make it my fault, does it? And Steve not marrying CJ didn't have to mean anything for her and Matt if she didn't want to. She loved Matt. She loved being with him and growing with him. There were things that, admittedly, Steve got better about her than Matt did. But Matt had only known her for about a year. Steve had known her for over half of her life. Tommy hadn't always gotten her the way that Steve did either, but she knew, _knew_ that she loved him.

Face fallen, Matt looked around at the crowd and then held out a hand for DJ to take. She accepted his hand and began to walk, still lost in thought about her first husband. He was different from Matt or Steve. He really had been her soulmate. Everything she was saying now about Steve, or even the thought of Matt being her soulmate, it was in a different way. If it was even possible that she should get the chance at two soulmates in her life. Thinking about Tommy still hurt sometimes and as the two sat down on a bench under a shady tree, DJ wasn't surprised to notice that her eyes were welling up.

It was not lost on Matt either. However, not being privy to her inner thoughts, he misinterpreted it. Dropping her hand, he stood up and faced away from her. "I don't believe this. You don't want to marry me, do you?" He ran a hand through his perfectly gelled hair, mussing it up in a way that DJ found to be incredibly sexy.

"Matt, I love you," DJ began. She didn't know where to go after that. She did like the idea of marrying Matt eventually. Yes, she loved Steve as well, but they had moved past that point. They were past the idea of being together, or at least, she was. Saying yes to Matt the previous night had shifted things for her. Steve backing out of his side of letting her go didn't change it. Her lack of certainty wasn't coming from Steve. At least, not entirely from Steve.

"Just- " Matt cut himself off. He was choked up and trying to mask it. "Just not enough, right?" He scoffed and began to walk away.

Jumping up to grasp at his hand, DJ tried to stop him, "Matt, please, sit and just talk to me. You don't know what I'm going to say. Please, give me a chance, here." DJ was also trying not to cry. He was jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, and he wasn't letting her explain herself because of it.

He ran a hand down his face, collecting himself. "Look, DJ, all I need to know is if you want to marry me or not."

Still trying stem the tears threatening to spill over, DJ sat down again and splayed her fingers in her lap. "Matt, it's just not that simple. I do want to marry you."

Cutting across her, Matt began angrily, his voice heavy with his pain, "It IS that simple, DJ. Clearly you don't. I'm ready right now. I can say my vows to you right now, but you don't want the same thing."

At that point DJ lost the battle with her emotions and began to quietly cry. Speaking through her sobs, gazing at her hands in her lap, she refused to look up. She didn't want to know how Matt was looking at her. "It's that simple for you because even though you were married, you chose to end your marraige. You've never sworn to spend your entire life with someone and then had it all just ripped from you because he died. He died, Matt. Tommy died and I'm still so mad at him for it." By the end, her voice had risen and the tears had stopped.

DJ had always known that on some level she was angry with Tommy for leaving her. For leaving her alone to raise their boys. For caring more about helping people he didn't know than protecting his own life so that he could be there for them. Oh, she knew it was completely selfish. She had talked to her pastor on more than one occasion and he assured her that these were completely normal feelings for those grieving. Mostly, she pushed these feelings away after the first months after Tommy's death. She told herself that she had grieved long enough and now she needed to be thankful for what she had and to move on, be strong, for her kids.

"Deej." Matt swiftly sat back down and pulled DJ to his chest. She grasped onto his arm and allowed herself to be cradled against him. "You never talk about it. You never talk about him. I barely know about Tommy. I know he must have been a great guy because he made you happy. I know he must have been a great dad because Jackson's a great kid and he had the most interaction with Tommy. But you've never talked about missing him with me." Saying the words out loud, that struck Matt as odd. He just said he was ready to marry her, but he knew next to nothing about the man she had spent nearly 20 years of her life with.

Had Tommy looked in DJ's eyes and felt what Matt did? Had he seen DJ freak out about something being less than perfect and been completely taken with it instead of annoyed? Had he ever held her in his arms and felt like the luckiest guy in the world because of it? He must have. It suddenly hit Matt that really, DJ wasn't just a single mom. She was a widow. Her situation wasn't the result of a divorce with a change in feelings between a couple. Tommy had been ripped from her life. And here he was trying to force her into a marriage because he was insecure.

Straightening up and wiping at her eyes, DJ smiled. "He was, he really was. And I don't want you to think that I'm looking for a replacement for him in you. I still love him, but I love you too. I'm not worried about what he would think. With his job as a fireman, we talked about it. He wanted me to find someone to be happy with. I've been married, I know the struggles and compromises and 2AM fights that come with it. I just want to have conversations with you about this. I also know that the seemingly trivial fights that we had planning our wedding brought us closer and I want to have all of that with you. I don't want to rush anything and miss out on the growing and bonding conversations and even fights, Matt."

Reaching for her hand and rubbing the knuckles gently, Matt looked DJ in the eye. "I get it. I mean, I don't _get it_ because I've never been in your situation. But if you say all of that is worth it and what you want, then I'm game." He scooched closer to her on the small bench, laid his arm across her shoulders and pulled her to him for a quick kiss. "I'm sorry for that." He gestured back to the bridge and almost-wedding ceremony location. "I just." He gestured to his head, "I got so messed up. I saw Steve looking at you during his vows. I saw your face as he was saying them. I got so worried that you were going to tell me that you wanted to be with him that I guess I wanted to marry you, like, right now, so that you'd be mine. I'm sorry."

Entwining their fingers, DJ smiled, "And can you handle Steve being in our lives? He and I have been friends for so long. He and Tommy got to be really good friends and I would hope that you two would maintain your friendship even after all of this."

Letting out a low chuckle, Matt replied, "I think we can probably make that work. I've trusted you this far and you've never given me a reason not to."

The two sat in comfortable silence for a moment under their cherry blossom tree. Suddenly Matt started laughing, loudly.

Hitting him lightly on the chest, DJ queried, "Hey, mister, what's so funny?"

Controlling himself, Matt answered on a chuckle, "I've seen you in holiday planning mode, so I was just picturing someone trying to change your mind about anything once you're in wedding planning mode." DJ hit him again and gave him an accusing look. "Hey, your attitude when you're organizing situations is one of the things I love about you." Matt tried to save himself.

Leaning in for a kiss, DJ quipped, "Better be." And closed the remaining distance between them.


End file.
